It's raining stones...

It was well past the closing hours at the Shivas bar. A few friends of mine and I were still drinking when I felt a tug on my sleeve. It was the new trainee guy from work who had accompanied me to the bar. He lived at a PG and had a deadline of 10.30 to catch before the owner unleashed his little menaces – a Rottweiler and a German Shepherd. Reasonable, I thought. And hence, I ignored him. The little bugger started getting more worried as the hour hand approached 11. I asked him to stay over at a friend’s place in order to avoid the dogs. And the little prick said ‘no’. Apparently, he did not mind being shred to pieces by those giant dogs; they were of foreign origin after all. His problem was the local Indian street dogs. Brand consciousness with dog bites?!?! What is this world coming to? And yeah, thank god I am in advertising.

Found it!

I might be a computer graduate but technology is the last thing you want to discuss with me. I used to like creating computer viruses and all that when at school. A little bit of hacking and cracking was also highly amusing. But that’s about it. It is basically due to my laziness. Things in the world of technology have been moving so fast that my fat ass just hasn’t bothered to catch up and keep myself updated; and hence, the fast developing generation gap.

For instance, I keep getting these search engine recommendations from friends of all kinds – techies and non-techies as per Bangalore definition. They go on saying stuff like, “this search engine is better when searching for images” or “this one gets you the best music dude” or “this one gets you the best porn from the planet. The best mallu aunties”, and so on. I do not understand.

The choice between a Yahoo, Altavista, Ask Jeeves and a Google during the time of a dial up network connection was easy. The criterion was ‘speed’. But with the intervention of optic fibers and technologies a.k.a. acronyms I can’t remember, speed is no more a factor, at least for a regular user. So much so that, I guess people Google (the verb – astonishing) for the result when 2 is multiplied by 3 than use a calculator. I use my search engine to search the internet. As long as I get accurate results (no more a USP, but a given), I am happy. Whether it searches from within India, China or Burkina Faso, I do not care. And unless a new search engine, all those Bings and Bingles, makes enough progress to put Katrina Kaif on my bed when I search for her, or courier me a season ticket for Manchester United matches when my search string reads ‘MUFC’, I don’t give a fuck!

In an ideal world...

Autorickshaw drivers demanding extra fare is common knowledge these days and an inevitable part of every rick passenger’s life. But refusing to transport you because you can’t provide him a passenger at the point where you are dropped off – RIDICULOUS! It would be an ideal world then, wouldn’t it be? You reach your destination where a passenger awaits the coming of the maker, in this case, the rick guy. Not only should there be a passenger, he/she would also be the one who is ready to part with a few bucks over the meter reading. And yes, he should also choose a destination where another of his kind awaits. Or a place that is close to the rick guy’s residence, which would invariably be on the other side of the map from where you have to get off.

But then again, were it to be an ideal world, I wouldn’t need a rickshaw in the first place. Would I? I would not be working, hence eliminating my need to go to work. I would be in an inherited castle somewhere in the Swiss Alps – with enough amenities and aides around me to ensure that I do not have to step outside the stone walls till I die. And did I mention a lifelong Sky subscription? Or maybe in a less ideal scenario, I’d be working. But I would have wings and I would fly to office everyday.

Unplanned trips?

There are no such things as unplanned trips. Yeah. The same spontaneous ones you set off on, well past midnight. The ones that ensure that you apparently had tons of fun while your boring friends stayed home or went to PVR over the weekend. The ones that let you post snaps of yours with panoramic backdrops on Orkut and Facebook. In actuality however, they are just journeys you have been planning for weeks together. They are the same ones you have been apprehensive about since you saw your friend’s album on Picasa. They are the ones you have been postponing since you read that article on Outlook Traveller. They are the ones you have tucked way in a dark corner of your mind called desire. Now that you are three drinks down and much of those earlier inhibitions have melted away like the ice in your glass, you are ready to finally put it into action. And you dare to call it an unplanned trip?

The facebook conspiracy - the unsaid, the unheard and the unseen!

After Jesus Christ’s illicit affair, Kennedy’s assassination and CIA’s Gmail, the controversy theorists have found a new target - Facebook. The theory says that Facebook is a device used by the CIA to create a huge database of the users from across the globe. On second thoughts, it is quite possible.

Imagine the malice and hazards you can be subjected to with the kind of information you have handed over through Facebook. This data, compiled and processed, will be passed on to the American army.

Armed with the knowledge of your favourite colour, band and holiday spots, the American soldiers will have an edge over you during the next world war. They will hit you with colour pellets of all the colours but your favourite colour. You sink into depression. At this point, an American soldier will rush to you and tell you how he knows all about your girlfriend who broke up with you a couple of weeks back. He will also tell you about a few downloaded pictures of hers (from her FB album), morphed and otherwise, that he has pinned up in his tent - for a certain purpose. You are in tears. He will also tell you how she will move to Paris in ten days. Thanks to the ‘Where would you be living after 10 days’ application. He will go on and inform you that her ‘Perfect Celebrity Match’ is Garfield - to further demotivate you. And the fact that you do not even remotely resemble the fat cat won’t help the cause. By this time, you are completely heartbroken and are busy with the ‘What weapon would give you the most painless death’ application.

If the theorists are to be believed, the Americans have been using this process successfully and repeatedly to wipe off enemy soldiers, entire battalions at a time. Slowly, but effectively.

Since we have established that Facebook is one of CIA’s cyber weapons of mass destruction, I suggest you don’t open any of those mails with “For ultimate pleasure” as the subject line. For all you know, the attachment could contain the AIDS virus. Biological warfare of course!