Options

Options – a word hated and dreaded with equal passion by the creative department in any advertising agency. But why? Let us solve the mystery.

Here is a conversation between a client servicing executive and a copywriter. ‘C’ shall represent the copywriter and ‘S’ would stand for the servicing executing.

C: But why the fuck do you need more options? It is six in the evening and my friends are waiting.

S: The client said so.

C: So?

S: See, I forwarded the mail to you as it is. It is not my requirement. It is the client’s call.

C: Do you even know what this poster is supposed to do?

S: The communication strategy as discussed during the client meeting states it all. It is the result of a country-wide market research programme otherwise known as a dipstick. So the margin for error is almost nil.

C: I repeat, do you even know what this poster is supposed to do?

S: As I was saying, the client thinks the feasibility study done by the research firm justifies the need for the communication in order to increase the footfalls…

C: Whatever! Let me put it to you simply. This poster does precisely what it is supposed to do. Making a series out of it doesn’t make sense. It would dilute the communication.

S: I completely understand and I personally love the poster. But what can I do when the client is adamant?

C: Open your MBA mouth and talk.

S: See dude, you do not understand the business side of things. Do you realize how important this client is to us? This retainer pays most of our salaries.

C: Can you please cut the bullshit and come to the point?

S: (After a pause) The point is, I have no fucking clue as to what this job is all about. My boss had to go shopping and this was shoved down my throat. And I am sure she doesn’t know the job well either. Even otherwise, my job basically involves forwarding client mails to you and vice versa. I have been asked to create panic and make mountains out of molehills. I think advertising is a cool job and hence I am around. I also have a low self esteem and hence am immune to the abuses from your end and from the client’s end. I delay briefs purposely in order to stay back after 9 for free dinner and a cab ride back home. Over. Now what’s your story?

C: More options mean more work. Period.

I could go on and on. But you kinda get it, don’t you?

Cynicism - the good side - in fact the only side

Cynicism seems to be the order of the day, or rather the best among a multitude of ‘isms’ around begging to be followed. Unless you like cruel surprises of course. Ones like - Water is at times thicker than blood. Cheating is not confined to ‘Desperate Housewives’. Death is not for the body alone. The proverbial friend in need is just proverbial. Cigarettes cause hypertension on the long run. Even healthy food kills. Reality shows are scripted. NGOs exist only in concept. Size does matter. Man created God and not the other way around. Well, I am not claiming that Cynicism makes one immune from it all. It just helps to remain prepared.

License to kill?

I think it is way too easy to get hold of a driver’s license in India. I think the criteria should be more stringent. I guess it is the only way to keep a check on (as eradicating would be impossible) the madness on the roads. Here is a suggestion.

There should be a psychological test as part of the regular written (can crack them with both the eyes and the mind shut) and the drawing-patterns-on-the-ground tests. This test should be contrived in such a way that the following questions would be answered about a person’s character and ability after the results are processed.

a)Does the person have the ability to spot, identify and decipher a one-way signboard? Will he be able to understand that the vehicle coming head on in the opposite direction is not the latest model of a car with headlights at the back?

b)Are there chances that the man/woman is a prospective spree killer, a fan of Charles Starkweather knowingly or unknowingly? As in, whether he/she is likely to mow down people with his Tata Sumo at the same ease with which one cuts through soft idlis?

c)Will he dim his headlights hence not blinding drivers within one kilometer radius? Does he/she realize that lampposts emit light and not vision-impairing gases?

d)Will he come to terms with the concept that cabs have numbers on them not because they are on a run after a jailbreak and hence are not criminal by manufacture?

e)Will he/she be able to realize the fact that the guy on the road in camouflage trousers is a college kid who went shopping the day before and not an infiltrating enemy soldier, and hence refrain from running him over?

f)Does he have enough understanding of the Geography to understand that all roads in India are in fact in India? And on all roads, however American their names might sound, one has to keep to the left while driving?

g)…

Happy driving!

Alcohol - the ultimate solvent

Mrs. Geeta Ramachandran, my chemistry teacher, taught me that alcohol is one of the best existing solvents. For people like me who did not pay much attention in school, it is a liquid substance capable of dissolving other substances. Due to its acidic or basic (could be either like water) properties, it reacts with almost everything resulting in the dissolution of the item in contact. The element that comes in contact is most tangible, with the exception of gases. This, I thought, was the ultimate truth until I discovered the wonderful properties of ethanol - the most commonly used form of alcohol and not surprisingly, an industrial solvent.

Well, here is one thing they don’t teach in chemistry classes. Reactions you don’t find amidst racks of chemicals and test tubes in well-equipped laboratories. Apart from all things tangible and intangible, there is one more thing that dissolves in alcohol and disappears without a trace. It is called sorrow. And this is one dissolution that produces a pleasant reaction. Not because of the production of nitrous oxide a.k.a. laughing gas. Not simply because it eradicates sorrow. But because you know there is a way around. Even if it’s an eventual killer. Even if just for a while. There is a way around.

Confused?

To dreams I wake up screaming while to nightmares I smile,
lions graze in my backyard and lambs roar in the wild.
Beginnings await my arrival while destinations I leave behind,
honey burns in my veins while poison feels surprisingly kind.

Their songs my eyes see while my ears listen to them paint,
the murderer I embrace, but mercilessly scythe down the saint.
The moon lights my noon while the sun warms my night,
darkness opens my vision but I am blinded by the light.

For captivity I fight while from freedom I flee,
wounds give me pleasure but with pampering I bleed.
With pens my words vanish while erasers ink them to life,
I pray to lord for war while peace I put to knife.

I slice through the maze while I get lost on the streets,
am I just confused or am I just confused?